Christian Filmmakers

Here is a place for all you screenwriters to post their loglines. Hopefully, the people who write in to comment will offer helpful advice so we can better them. (loglines)

Alright, hows this:

I May Die (working title)
Nathan Hale was sure no one knew he was a spy, but he was mistaken…

Hey, Natalie, there’s a specific way we do loglines here. After the logline contest, Kim told us. (I think it was Kim, but whatever…)

thread title:
LOGLINE: [title]

and then in the first post, you put the

TITLE
GENRE
LOGLINE

Like that.

I could find one of my threads to show you if you like.

Anyway, that way it’s easier to look through if everyone has their own thread. (so you know it’s not just the same loglines that you already commented on) Then the comments don’t get mixed up either.

N Hoppes wrote:

Alright, hows this:

I May Die (working title)
Nathan Hale was sure no one knew he was a spy, but he was mistaken…

That’s a tagline, not a logline, I do believe!

A logline is structured so:
Main character does such and such to achieve goal through these dangers/antagonists.

Not necessarily in that form/sentence structure, but that is the information which it is supposed to contain.

If you look back in the Screenwriting forum, there is a submission thread with a ton of good loglines in it. From the logline contest in December.

This is a place where people can post their loglines in general and have others comment on them. (as Jenni has done to mine)

Title: I May Die
Genre: Historical fiction/Drama/Aventure
Logline: America is in need of a spy. Nathan Hale must choose whether or not he will aid his country or keep his integrity. He goes, but peril follows close behind…

(I have knotts of trouble trying to write a logline without a cliffhanger :oops: )

HI

What do you think of this logline?

Title: H2O – Hindrances to Opportunities.
Genre: Teen Drama (I think!! Not too sure exactly what genre it is!)
Logline:
A non–competitive traceur (Parkour/free runner) is forced into a competition to avenge his friend’s death and draw out his killer.

Kev

This is a little more “up my alley” than the first page thing.

I May Die - Needs a little more color
H2O - It is good, but it doesn’t make me want to read your script.

Go ahead, tear it up!

TITLE: The Search Party
GENRE: Comedy/Drama

LOGLINE: At the request of their dying chief, three African tribesmen, accompanied by missionary Bill Thompson, embark on a mission to find their long-lost prince. When their search takes them to America, the four unlikely heroes must learn to work together as their journey leads them into many a precarious and comical situation. 

Caleb Allen - Director
Straightway Pictures

Caleb Allen wrote:

TITLE: The Search Party
GENRE: Comedy/Drama

LOGLINE: At the request of their dying chief, three African tribesmen, accompanied by missionary Bill Thompson, embark on a mission to find their long-lost prince. When their search takes them to America, the four unlikely heroes must learn to work together as their journey leads them into many a precarious and comical situation. 

Caleb Allen - Director
Straightway Pictures

1st point -This is way too long. It is desired that loglines are about 25 words. Yours is double this number. Make it more concise.
2nd - It doesn’t say why they have to find the lost prince.
3rd - What are they up against? What are the things they need to overcome?

Kev

Kev Hill wrote:

1st point -This is way too long. It is desired that loglines are about 25 words. Yours is double this number. Make it more concise.
2nd - It doesn’t say why they have to find the lost prince.
3rd - What are they up against? What are the things they need to overcome?

Kev

1st Point - That shows poor research on my part. I suppose I could cut that whole second sentence.

2nd Point - Dying chief/long-lost prince I figured it would be pretty obvious. (Apparently not.)

3rd Point - If I answered that we’d be over 25 words again wouldn’t we? *wink*

Try this on for size.

Title: The Search Party
Genre: Comedy/Drama
Log-line: At their dying Chief’s request, a haphazard trio of African natives embark on a quest to find their long-lost prince.

Caleb Allen - Director
Straightway Pictures

TITLE: PIGMATA
GENRE: ESPIONAGE ADVENTURE w/Supernatural Horror (undertones). Education Mystery. Horremedy. Kinda.

A famished aboriginal Pigmy on the road to making a ham sandwich, discovers a volcanic cone full of evil fruit flies blocking the way. When he sees his townspeople stormed from the sky; he sets out on a quest to learn both the power of vinegar and the mutant powers of his lunch (condiments and bread, no protein), finally, when forced into finishing his meatless sandwich, (had no breakfast), he takes the flies head on using Pigmatic mind control, but another dark force is sucking the minds out of the inhabitants of Littleville, is victory at hand or maybe not?

BABY PICTURES, LLC
The Unfathomable Ang Ortiz - Director :|

N Hoppes wrote:

This is a place where people can post their loglines in general and have others comment on them. (as Jenni has done to mine)

Title: I May Die
Genre: Historical fiction/Drama/Aventure
Logline: America is in need of a spy. Nathan Hale must choose whether or not he will aid his country or keep his integrity. He goes, but peril follows close behind…

(I have knotts of trouble trying to write a logline without a cliffhanger :oops: )

All you had to do was mention the name “Nathan Hale” and I knew what we were talking about!

As such, you can skimp on the setting details…  we’ll associate the appropriate time period, etc. with the mere name “Nathan Hale.”

Also as such, you need to up the specifics of YOUR narrative.  What makes YOUR rendition of Nathan Hale unique?

As it stands, I don’t see any conflict.  Nathan Hale was a brave man… inspirational, but there’s no conflict I want to follow.  There’s nothing that makes me want to read your screenplay over a history textbook.  I know what happens in the end, even.

So my question is… what conflict are you giving Nathan?  Did he struggle painfully with the decision to become a spy?  Or is there something else - surrender to God, maybe? 

If you can show me in the logline that you’re going to give Nathan a tender conflict, bring his character alive, then I will absolutely want to read your screenplay in hopes of seeing a glimpse into the life of a historical hero and a taste of my country’s history.