Christian Filmmakers

Kev Hill wrote:

HI

What do you think of this logline?

Title: H2O – Hindrances to Opportunities.
Genre: Teen Drama (I think!! Not too sure exactly what genre it is!)
Logline:
A non–competitive traceur (Parkour/free runner) is forced into a competition to avenge his friend’s death and draw out his killer.

Kev

I would avoid use of parentheses.  Use a word or phrase that is clearly understood by itself.

The phrase ‘non-competitive” grabs my interest.  It’s not typical… and it speaks to the person’s character. However, I would not use both it and “competition” in the same sentence.

How is this competition going to help draw out the killer?  Will the killer come out in public to compete, hence allowing the police to arrest him?  Maybe you could phrase it more concretely.

Caleb Allen wrote:

Title: The Search Party
Genre: Comedy/Drama
Log-line: At their dying Chief’s request, a haphazard trio of African natives embark on a quest to find their long-lost prince.

Caleb Allen - Director
Straightway Pictures

Second logline is highly superior to the first.  The phrase “haphazard trio” speaks to the comedy element - I like it. 

However, I don’t see any conflict here.  What is the antagonistic force?

If in truth the natives to end up in America, I’d mention that.  To me, it hints at the comedic adventures they’re going to get into…  It would not be hard to mention it.  “embark on a quest to the US to find…”

This logline effectively hints at both the comedy and the drama of your story.  It ties in well with the title, too.

I thought about putting the reference to the US in there. But “America” sounded cumbersome and I didn’t think about using the abbreviation. Good suggestion.

Actually, there is no physical antagonist (script isn’t done, but I don’t plan on there being one anyway). The antagonist is simply time (working against them) and learning how to work together in unfamiliar surroundings. (In a sense, America is an antagonist!)

Hope that clarifies.

Caleb Allen - Director
Straightway Pictures

Caleb Allen wrote:

I thought about putting the reference to the US in there. But “America” sounded cumbersome and I didn’t think about using the abbreviation. Good suggestion.

Actually, there is no physical antagonist (script isn’t done, but I don’t plan on there being one anyway). The antagonist is simply time (working against them) and learning how to work together in unfamiliar surroundings. (In a sense, America is an antagonist!)

Hope that clarifies.

Caleb Allen - Director
Straightway Pictures

I think if you added the US reference, that’d be enough.  I’m definitely seeing how there could be comedy if you drop a “haphazard trio of African natives” in the US.  :D

Hey guys, got a new story I’m working on. Thought I’d resurrect this thread and try on the logline for size. (Saw my first one and laughed). No title for the film as of yet so my working title is the MC’s name. Let me know what you think.

Working Title: Newton Hackett
Genre: Comedy (of course, that’s all I do!)
Logline: A socially awkward inventor accidentally clones an ideal version of himself. 

Caleb Allen - Director
Straightway Pictures

I like it! 

Maybe for a title:
No wait!
the life and binds of Newton Hackett
a socially inept inventor clones an ideal version of himself, except for one thing.  He got the name wrong.

Working Title: Newton Hackett
Genre: Comedy (of course, that’s all I do!)
Logline: A socially awkward inventor accidentally clones an ideal version of himself.

Very interesting Caleb. If I was a producer I would read that script. Or if it was in theaters I would look at some Christian reviews. Then decide to go. (Hopefully)   

By the way. In a strangly strong way I like this quote.

In a sense, America is an antagonist!

By the way did you know that something like this happend in Clavin and Hobbs? He made a clone of him that only like himself in the good ways not the bad ways. Eventually the clone realized what a bad boy that Calvin actually was. So the clone called Calvin a bad name. The clone was only suppose to do good things so the clone could no longer exist. The End. Calvin remains the spoiled brat. That we laugh at today.

However personally I was sorry that story plot had ended. I was hopefully to see more. Remeber it’s not the idea. Its the way you do it.

It deffinity is a intriging idea.

Genre: Comedy (of course, that’s all I do!)

hey me too! Its a diesaese, you just can’t get rid of it.  

A quibble with your logline, Caleb: That’s a premise. Not a logline.

A logline will show the conflict, as well as the promise of the premise (as Blake Snyder so aptly put it).

You’ve sort of got the promise of the premise. I can almost see the socially inept inventor getting into trouble because of his clone, but not quite.

Some hint of the conflict would be nice, too. Though without knowing the story I can’t really give you any ideas.

I think there’s a link to a good logline article in this thread from back when Kim and Calix hosted a great logline contest/workshop: http://www.christianfilmmakers.org/forums/viewthread/5390/ (Can’t tell. My overactive Web filter is blocking it for some reason…)

The actual contest postings and subsequent ripping apart and piecing back together of several loglines is here and quite helpful, I think: http://www.christianfilmmakers.org/forums/viewthread/5391/

And then of course, it’s always helpful to see who won: http://www.christianfilmmakers.org/forums/viewthread/5671/

—
Jordan

Now, that’s a great name for a socially inept inventor.    For a title, perhaps: “The Other Newton Hackett”?

I agree with Jordan that it’s more of a premise than a logline.  As for conflict, let me guess - this clone, who has all the social grace the real Newton lacks, is a charm at parties and the like.  So suddenly, Newton can use his clone to (sort of) get a social life, and everyone else is wondering what came over the guy…

Just a thought.

And/or, as in the Calvin and Hobbes example above (Ben didn’t mention this, but it’s the cause of the fight between Calvin and Clone), the clone gets a girlfriend the original can’t stand… And she can’t tell the difference, of course!

—
Jordan